As literally anyone will tell you, this should be the absolute happiest of times for this septic isle, with the royal nativity making all of us complete. How sad, then, that some simply refuse to be caught up in the hoopla that has attended the baby's birth, with TV presenter Katy Hill treasonably declining to get behind OK! magazine's Royal Baby Special.
Published the very day the Duchess of Cambridge left hospital, but obviously put together before, the magazine's cover leads with "Kate's Post-Baby Weight Loss Regime". Though not billed as a WORLD EXCLUSIVE in the manner of the publication's internationally hard-won interviews with third-tier Made in Chelsea stars, we learn that it is nonetheless an exclusively. "OK! talks to Kate's trainer," the cover claims, and though they do nothing of the sort, I don't think we ought to be splitting hairs. "She's super-fit," the cover continues. "Her stomach will shrink straight back!"
As I say, this all prompted a furious tweet from Katy Hill, and her calls for a boycott of the mag garnered such online support that they forced a clarification from OK!'s parent company, Richard Desmond's Northern & Shell. Apparently, the cover has been "misunderstood", and criticism of Kate's appearance was "not intended".
Nor, indeed, were they accused of it. Still, bravo to them for non-apologising for something else entirely. Perhaps they could weigh in on slavery or the Mau Mau rebellion next week.
For a feel of what was intended, though, Lost in Showbiz has donned its rubber gloves and cut through the magazine's unsightly adipose tissue, in the hope of being able to free the svelte and self-respecting publication just bursting to get out.
The first thing we must note is that the mag is edited by one Kirsty Tyler, who has only been in the chair a few weeks. It is unclear whether Desmond now plans on shedding several stone of weight in the form of Kirsty: as someone who realistically gave up on his hopes of a knighthood a while ago, he may regard her as precisely what he ordered.
What I am delighted to confirm, though, is that this is not Kirsty's Lost in Showbiz debut. If we return to what we'll call this column's archives – basically, a vast silo bearing the label HazChem – we'll see that Kirsty first appeared on these pages two years ago, when she was still helming Desmond's New! magazine. Like Northern & Shell say, all their work comes from a place of love – and the story that brought Kirsty to our attention was a tale headlined "Broody Kate's Anorexia Nightmare". It consisted of quotes from unnatural-sounding "anonymous sources" and medical "experts" who did not treat the duchess.
Anyway, zip forward to the present day, and you'll note that Kirsty still has her finger on the pulse of the nation – and is pressing down very hard indeed.
"All eyes have been on Kate's changing pregnancy shape," declares the current issue of OK!. "When the new mum stands on the steps of St Mary's hospital … the questions on everyone's lips won't just include the name, sex and weight of the baby, but also how Kate plans to return to her pre-pregnancy glory."
Like she says, it's on everyone's lips. And if it's not on yours, then you're either weird or fat.
But don't let's give Kirsty all the credit for this piece of service journalism – because who is this hoving regally into view, stopping only to accept a few posies from wellwishers and acknowledge the cheering crowds? Why, it's former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond, who turns out to offer a sideline in clinical nutrition and personal training.
"Kate has always been super-fit and I'm sure she'll be back to her pre-baby shape in no time," says Jennie sagely. "Kate is said to have enjoyed yoga with a private tutor who visited her regularly, which will come in useful as she sheds her baby weight and regains her flexibility … She'll soon be using her gymball and dumbbells to tone her tummy muscles."
Suddenly Nicholas Witchell looks like Ed Murrow. "If she goes ahead with her plan to breastfeed," Jennie goes on, "it's the most natural way to shed any leftover pregnancy inches … I predict that in a couple of weeks she'll be as svelte as ever and twice as happy."
Mmm. I predict that in a couple of minutes, Jennie might wonder about the wisdom of bestowing her "expertise" in this manner.
As for the "trainer who's worked with [Kate]", the copy does not appear to support this claim. It turns out instead that the gimlet-eyed Emma Sayle once participated in a rowing thing with the duchess. The challenge was in aid of Emma's charity enterprise, which is called – somewhat hilariously in the circs – "The Sisterhood".
And that about wraps up OK!'s baby special. What can you say? Other than well done everybody.
At least it hasn't been all been bad on the royal experts front, because the birth has provided media outlets with the perfect excuse to exhume Lost in Showbiz's favourite mad servant: malfunctioning butler Paul Burrell.
To be honest, I had assumed that even Paul insisted on a few off-limits areas. Just as some celebrities have no-go interview questions, I'd have thought Paul would ban inquiries about royal presents, given that he was once discovered to have hoarded so many of them in his attic – along with a selection of Princess Di's dresses – for safekeeping.
But it turns out that royal presents is totally something Paul wants to talk about, telling Heat that the new parents can expect "everything from knitted suits to gold-plated christening sets". "Kate will thank family and friends by writing to them," he guesses knowledgeably, "and everyone else will get thanked by their office. So everyone gets a letter, no matter what you send. Who knows? China might give the new baby a panda for London Zoo."
And, in another life, Paul would have done everything he could to lure that panda into his attic for safekeeping. How unjust is fate.
Lost in Showbiz imagines that even now, every one of the thousands of unwanted presents is being stored in some vast secure facility like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, to which Paul is bafflingly not the keymaster. What will happen to them all? Well, as the Queen apparently whispered to Burrell in the days after Diana's death, almost certainly while clutching his arm for emotional support: "Be careful, Paul! There are powers at work in this country of which we have no knowledge!"
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